Deeper. Chapter Two. [Personal Reflections on a Personal Struggle During a Personal Season of Life]

Sometimes I think about how life is so different now, as we broadcast our lives on these proverbial pages.  I wonder what my grandmother would have thought about it all.  Back in the day we relied on gossip if anything, but how most respected people kept all their skeletons tucked safely away for no one to see.

I think in many ways we are still doing that.  Although there are pages and journals and blogs being written, is it really all truth?  Is it really who we are?  When I blog here or Facebook there, are we really getting the whole picture?  I think if we stop and ponder we will realize it is like a tabloid or the news: there is a filter, a bias, a contortion of the truth.  Don’t get me wrong, everything I say here is true.  But it is often just a piece of me, a part of the truth, a life seen only in one dimension.  I wonder how many of you out there have caught yourself thinking when you read blogs or Facebook or Twitter, “Wow, they have it all. Their life is nothing like mine.”

It is an interesting phase we are in right now in life.  Broadcasting so much of ourselves, spreading information and sharing news like never before, but through OUR filter.  We get to choose what people see.  We get to choose the picture we paint about ourselves.

And it often looks so perfect.

Many months ago I chose to share more.  Give you another dimension of my life.  A struggle.  A story.  A walk of faith.  Words about trusting in God.  A real me.

And it was scary.

I like the painting better than the real thing.  But at the same time, I know it is not who I am.  On many levels I am tired of feeling like I have to be more perfect than I am.  My whole life I have tried to be more than I am, and to tell you the truth, sometimes it is just exhausting. So I am on a journey to just be the girl God created me to be.  I want to embrace it, flaws and all, and part of that embracing it comes through sharing it with you.

Real. Out loud.

I realize that it will make some people uncomfortable.  To be honest, it makes me a bit uncomfortable.  But I think there is power in being real.  I think that there is truth in being real. And I have a desire for TRUTH and REAL like I never have before.  So here I am.

The decision came to share the “real me” actually came long before this blog was in existence.

It was a brief conversation, almost in just passing, and I doubt she even remembers it. But for me it was one of those moments that I will never forget. One of those moments when it feels like the whole world around you just slows to a crawl, and for the first time in a long time, something just rings clear.  Something just makes complete sense, in a moment and in  a life of confusion.

She gave me advice to a question.  Her answer was just two words, but it rang clear in both my head and heart.

Be Authentic

I think that was the day my quest began.  My journey to attempt to be more authentic.  This is not an easy quest for someone who is a born and raised perfectionist.  By definition, I want to be nothing but perfect.  And we all know that NO ONE is actually perfect.  So being an authentic perfectionist is quite a feat, and I will tell you, I am doing quite well at it, perfect at it if you ask me.  (Hehehe….that was a joke.)

I knew that moment, as I heard those two little words of advice, that something was going to have to change.  And so has begun my quest for authenticity. And I guess that is why I am here. Spouting all that is me and more onto these pages.

So I am back here today in another excruciating long blog post to give you

The UPDATE.

from the journey I have been on in this season of my life.

I think subconsciously after my last personal post (here), when I shared our struggle in getting pregnant again, and all the things that I have felt and learned during the year of waiting, that I really thought I would get pregnant.  That somehow in posting it and telling the world, I would just get pregnant.  Like some how shouting it all from the “roof top” of the internet, it would be magical.

God had a different idea.

(not pregnant)

Another time of stretching, of breaking, of learning.

Here is my story.

Chapter 2:

I think so many of us feel uncomfortable talking about sadness.  I have before. So know now that I am typing this with complete awareness of how it might make you feel.

Uncomfortable.

Better than me.

Sorry for me.

Sad.

But I don’t mind.  I know one day you too might have your own journey of sadness, and you just might see things in a new light like I do now.

I have journeyed through sadness in a NEW way. I now realize that sadness can be so much more than tears or depression. It has been in the sadness, in the pain, that I know God is stretching me and growing me. And this journey of sadness has been anything but sad in a way.  I have never felt closer to God, or more peace.

I am sharing this sadness, this time that was incredibly hard for me, because I want to share the WHOLE TRUTH of this journey.

My trust in God, my complete peace in knowing that He is in control, that HIS TIME is PERFECT, doesn’t mean that I am always happy.

Is still have days where I cry.  Where I long to be pregnant.  Where I ask God why.  But it is different now, different then sadness has ever been for me.  It is not an anger or a jealousy or a bitterness.  I trust him with everything.  I have never believed before like I do now, in His will.  His perfect will.

With everything I have I believe in HIS perfect will.  In HIS perfect time.  If you are pregnant, and I am not, let me assure you, it was not a mistake.  God didn’t say, “whoops, I got the wrong girl.”  He knows.  He chose that baby for you, for your family, in HIS perfect time.  And I can rejoice with you in a way that I have never been able to before!!  To know TRULY that life, that pregnancy is a GIFT.  A BLESSING.  I used to take it for granted, now I see it for the miracle that it is.  If you are carrying child, know that you have a little miracle with you.  A little piece of heaven, of God’s blessing, of beautiful love.

I am not just offering lip service when I say that I know he will bring us a child when it is in the right time.  Not my time, or Daniel’s time, or Dayla’s time, or any other person out there…NOT YOUR time.  HIS TIME.  His perfect time.  In his perfect will.  I believe that with all my heart, with everything I have.  Like I never have before.  (Thank you Jesus)

But I still cry.  I still long for it.  I long to see my belly round again, to feel the kicks inside, and to feel the warmth of a newborns body on my bare skin.

And I long for it.

And it is not here.

And some days that makes me cry.

Does this mean I don’t have faith?  Does it mean that I don’t trust God when I cry?   I don’t think so.

And that is what I learned in this season of the journey.

Mourning is okay.

Sadness is okay.

We can trust God with all our hearts, and still weep.

I bet the disciples cried when Jesus died, even though he told them of a kingdom that was to be theirs.  In Luke it talks about how they fell asleep, exhausted from sorrow.

When Lazarus died, Jesus wept (john 11:35).  And Jesus is GOD.  I mean, he knew that Lazarus was going to die, and that a miracle was about to happen, but he was sad at the loss of his friend, so he wept.  And I am not better or stronger than Jesus!

And that is just how I felt.

Trusting God wholeheartedly and completely.  Knowing in my heart of hearts that His plan is perfect and truly the one I want.  But also I just needed to weep. So I have wept.  I am not stronger than Jesus.  I like to think of me and Jesus, homeboys, weeping together.

I came to the realization that God never expects us to always be “happy”.   And that it is okay to mourn. And weep.  Why am I better than Jesus?  Right? He wept.  And many in the bible mourned. They put on sackcloth, covered themselves with ashes, cried out to God.  The psalms is full of weeping.  But sadness mixed with respect.  Knowing that God is bigger than you.  Than your sadness. God is mighty.

God knows we will experience sadness, I think he just asks us to trust Him through it.

So that is where I am now. Sometimes I cry, but mostly God has blessed me with a new hope and more peace then ever before.

I am sharing today, not because it comes easy or that is the kind of girl I am (the girl who likes to tell all about herself, who is an open book).  I am more of a closet dweller.

This is hard.

I am sharing today on a quest to be more authentic.

To be real.

I am sharing today in hopes that there will also be someone out there who just needs to hear, “it is okay to cry”.

Tears do not mean lack of faith, hope, or trust. Trust God with all your heart. And cry if you need to.

I am sharing today in hopes to glorify God.  A God who holds me when no one else does.  A God who let’s me cry and knows that my heart is still truly at peace.  A God bigger and more mighty and more powerful than any of could ever imagine.

Thank you God.

Our Chicken Chronicles

Anyone who has talked to us in the last 3 months knows that we are keeping nice and busy!  The new house has lots of moving-in and projects that we are still tackling, but the best part that is keeping us busy is some projects that we have always dreamed of doing (apartment bound for 10 years gives you a lot of ideas and dreams of what you want to do in a house!); right now the biggest two being getting chickens and growing vegetables.

Today I am going to share our chicken adventure (and tackle our garden adventure post soon!)

Almost two months ago now we bought little chicks!  They were sooo cute!  The short version of the story is that at PETCO (Daniel’s work)  are starting to sell “Backyard Chicken” supplies.  For urban folks such as us who have always dreamed of having fresh eggs, this is a total dream!  Having all the benefits of chickens (fresh eggs, fertilizer suppliers, eating all the pesky bugs out of your yard, and best of all: a friendly pet!) without having to own a ton of land or having to commit to several chickens.  So it seemed like a perfect fit for us to try out one of PETCO’s chicken coop’s and get neck deep in the “Backyard Chicken” craze!!

It has been nothing short of a COMPLETE BLAST!

Now realize, I do not work for PETCO, so I am not embellishing any truth here.  That being said, let me tell you, we love having chickens!  They are a great first pet for Dayla and a easy care pet for us (and they will give us eggs!) For the first 6-8 weeks (depending on climate) you have to keep them inside, in a box, with a warming light.  Dayla was completely sold on this adventure.  Each morning she would wake up, check on the little guys, spend a good 10-15 minutes “talking” to them (sometimes “cheeps” and sometimes stories or thoughts…), and help me get their food and water.


Meet “Pepper” (named by Ginette), “Sammy” (named by Daniel who has ALWAYS named his pets Sammy!) and “Cheep” (named by Dayla!)

This was there first little home. So cozy.

Only a couple days later we received and built our chicken coop.


The finished product!!

Here it is in our backyard, where it sits today.

Of course, after a couple weeks, we let the chickens test the coop out (in the warmth of day).  Both Dayla and the chickens enjoyed their new home!  It was so cute to watch Dayla crawl in there with the chickens.  She loved petting them, chasing them, trying to pick them up, talking to them, and just enjoying them as her first pet.


It wasn’t many weeks later (at about a month old) that the chickens turned from cute fuzzy chicks to what Daniel called “their awkward teenage chicken” look.  Skinnier with long necks, they definitely started to look more like chickens. For the sake of their embarrassment, we tried not to take too many pictures during this phase, but here is one:

Now the chicks look much more like chickens then chicks.  In fact to me, they look completely like chickens.  (I will have to post a picture in the next post)

We let them “free range” almost every day.  They peck at our dirt for bugs and fertilize our garden. They still let us pick them up, although now they are much harder to catch.  They are certainly a hoot and keep us very entertained.  We will probably not get any eggs for another couple months, or maybe even till spring, but they are still so much fun to have and are just loving this new little adventure.  We will keep you updated and entertained as our Chicken Chronicles continue!

Dayla Chatter Continues…And Another (RARE) Ponytail!

[Another thing I want to right down, mostly just so I remember.  It melts my heart every day, and who knows who long it will continue.]

We play a little game, Dayla and I, where we “argue” who loves who more.  It is a bit reflective of that story with the bunnies Guess How Much I Love You, but to me even more special  to me since we have our own little version. =)

I start by saying, “Dayla I love you SO much” and she will respond with “NO, I love YOU so much!”  Then I say, “But I love you THE MOST” and she responds, “NO I love YOU the most!” Sometimes it will end with her being quite firm until I concede and tell her that she does indeed love me more than I love her.

In recent times I decided to switch it up a bit, so I started saying “I love you MORE THAN….” and then filling in the blank.  I usually say something like “I love you more than there are stars in the sky”, but with her toddler brain when she responds back to me, sometimes some of the words get missed. It cracks me up because she will say things like: “Mama, I love you more than a whale” “the sky” “the stars” “the ocean”.  It doesn’t always makes sense, but the love is there.
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Speaking of love…..I love when this little girl puts her hair up.  I never force it, I let it be her choice, but to me that makes it all the more special and beautiful when she does.  The other day, for no particular reason, she asks for a ponytail and a flower in her hair “like Mom does”.  I jumped up from my seat!  AND, as you might guess, anytime this rare occurance happens, I always ask to take a picture.  Pictures are not always welcome here (as we take a LOT, so we probably wear this little girl out!) but on Monday, she not only “let me take a picture” she actually played with me and interacted with the camera!!!  This is a photographer mama’s dream.   She has never really done this before, and I was EATING IT UP.

Oh, how I love this little girl.

Dayla Chatter

I keep thinking of Bill Cosby’s “Kids Say the Darndest Things” these days.  Dayla is starting to really figure out language. She plays with it daily (“Mama, wanna hear something funny? Bunckle Bockle Flud”) while laughing  uncontrollably at her strange word concoctions.  She also still messes up a couple words (a computer “scream” instead of screen, a “umbrellellalala” is for the rain, and “snack” is any kind of food, including meals ). The real highlight to me  though is that she is just saying some of the funniest things as she is figuring out this world around her.  I knew some of these had to be recorded, so here are my recent favorites.

D (on her back on a chair, head turned upside down): Mama, you are upside down

M: No, I think you are upside down.

D: Mama….(long pause)….I love you even when you are upside down.

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D: When I get older, I will be able to ride horses and drink wine.

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[Dayla runs away from me at a Starbucks, then quickly comes back]

D: Mama, I am scared of that man over there, will you come and keep me safe?

M: Of course!  You know who else always keeps you safe when I am not with you?

D: God

M: YES!  That is right.

D: But Mama, God  is really busy.  How about you keep me safe right now?

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I love this sweet girl and all her wonderful thoughts and words!