Yesterday Dayla was a total pill. The kind of terrible that tests the strength of every cord of patience you have in your body. If you are a parent, you know the kind of days I am talking about. It was THAT kind of day.
Today Sebastian lay strapped on a table in the hospital for 45 minutes getting radioactive something pumped through his blood to check the function of his kidneys. For most of the time he was on that table I couldn’t help but just stare at my boy and take it all in. I didn’t feel sad. I didn’t feel scared. I didn’t feel angry or upset or any other emotion that I believe would have been an understandable reaction to the situation. I just wanted to memorize every nook and cranny in that room. I wanted to burn into the folds of my brain each facial expression and movement that Sebastian made there on that table. I wanted to truly stop and appreciate the miracle of medicine; that they can put radioactive things in his blood so they can essentially do an x-ray from the inside out of my 2 month old son.
I just felt present.
As I sat there desperately trying to soak it all in, I realized what I was doing was being present in the day, the moment, the blessing. It is easy to be weighed down in the difficult moments and terrible days as a parent (because parenting is darn hard). Just the day before with Dayla felt so long, so weighted. But as I watched Sebastian today on the table my heart was so full, an emotion on the complete opposite end of the spectrum. Today I chose to be present in the blessing instead present in the terror; reflecting that each day with this little guy is a gift. It wasn’t just his conception, although that was an answer to so many prayers, or the moment he was born, although that was most certainly a miracle to be a part of. The miracle is in each and every breath he takes; each movement of his body is a complete and total gift from God. And not just for Sebastian, but for every child. Whether the child is prayed for and longed for, or a “surprise”, these little people change our lives. These little people are gifts, miracles, blessings….not just one day, but every day.
Yes, even on the terrible-I-am-going-to-do-everything-to-disobey-you-and-be-a-complete-and-total-pill kind of days.
80% Good News:
Sebastian’s two tests came back “good”. (YES, PRAISE GOD). But as I jumped up to hug the urologist, his enthusiasm didn’t match mine. “The thing is,” his eyes softened with kindness and his voice gained a lot of hesitation, “his kidneys and ureter are slightly dilated and his urethra is narrower than it should be. These are usually signs of another problem. But, when we tested for all the other problems that it could possibly be, the tests all came back good and clear. I don’t know exactly why his kidney and ureter are dilated and his urethra is narrowing….but I want to watch it. ”
He further explained that the above is in no way “normal” and causes him to worry a bit. He said he promises to “keep his hands off him until we know more”, meaning no surgery until we have answers, but that he wants to continue to watch him and have him tested again in 3 months. The catch is that IF there is something wrong, something causing this dilating and narrowing, it can be very dangerous to Sebastian’s life in the long term.
I felt like this was good news, an answer to all my prayers (and all your prayers)! Clear tests! Everything looks good! I am overcome with thankfulness and joy and feel incredibly encouraged! We will keep holding onto the hope that everything will remain clear and that each test that this little guy is put under he comes out of with flying colors.
For now we will sit back, relax, and enjoy the smiles and the snuggles of Sebastian….and trust God that in 3 months His mercy will rain on us again.
Thank you SOO much for every prayer. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
I am so thankful for each and every test that our little guy has undergone, if anything just because it causes me to slow down and bask in the glow of blessings.
I am so thankful for each and every technician, nurse, receptionist and doctor that has been a part of this journey for us along the way. Each one so kind; each one so understanding that the heart of a parent bringing their child to get tested (whatever the reason) is a tender heart.
I am so thankful for this journey, because I am trusting God in whole new ways….and He is proven again and again that He is so good and so merciful.
I am so thankful for hope, because without the little glimmer of hope we have gotten at each leg of this journey, it would have been so much harder to trust God.
I am so thankful for each person who has said but just one prayer (and especially for those who have said many!), because it is the reminder that God is with us, that He listens to each and every longing of our hearts, that He just wants us to come to Him humbly and ask.
(Here is a picture of our little man hogging all your prayer time) 😉