Deeper. Chapter Two. [Personal Reflections on a Personal Struggle During a Personal Season of Life]

Sometimes I think about how life is so different now, as we broadcast our lives on these proverbial pages.  I wonder what my grandmother would have thought about it all.  Back in the day we relied on gossip if anything, but how most respected people kept all their skeletons tucked safely away for no one to see.

I think in many ways we are still doing that.  Although there are pages and journals and blogs being written, is it really all truth?  Is it really who we are?  When I blog here or Facebook there, are we really getting the whole picture?  I think if we stop and ponder we will realize it is like a tabloid or the news: there is a filter, a bias, a contortion of the truth.  Don’t get me wrong, everything I say here is true.  But it is often just a piece of me, a part of the truth, a life seen only in one dimension.  I wonder how many of you out there have caught yourself thinking when you read blogs or Facebook or Twitter, “Wow, they have it all. Their life is nothing like mine.”

It is an interesting phase we are in right now in life.  Broadcasting so much of ourselves, spreading information and sharing news like never before, but through OUR filter.  We get to choose what people see.  We get to choose the picture we paint about ourselves.

And it often looks so perfect.

Many months ago I chose to share more.  Give you another dimension of my life.  A struggle.  A story.  A walk of faith.  Words about trusting in God.  A real me.

And it was scary.

I like the painting better than the real thing.  But at the same time, I know it is not who I am.  On many levels I am tired of feeling like I have to be more perfect than I am.  My whole life I have tried to be more than I am, and to tell you the truth, sometimes it is just exhausting. So I am on a journey to just be the girl God created me to be.  I want to embrace it, flaws and all, and part of that embracing it comes through sharing it with you.

Real. Out loud.

I realize that it will make some people uncomfortable.  To be honest, it makes me a bit uncomfortable.  But I think there is power in being real.  I think that there is truth in being real. And I have a desire for TRUTH and REAL like I never have before.  So here I am.

The decision came to share the “real me” actually came long before this blog was in existence.

It was a brief conversation, almost in just passing, and I doubt she even remembers it. But for me it was one of those moments that I will never forget. One of those moments when it feels like the whole world around you just slows to a crawl, and for the first time in a long time, something just rings clear.  Something just makes complete sense, in a moment and in  a life of confusion.

She gave me advice to a question.  Her answer was just two words, but it rang clear in both my head and heart.

Be Authentic

I think that was the day my quest began.  My journey to attempt to be more authentic.  This is not an easy quest for someone who is a born and raised perfectionist.  By definition, I want to be nothing but perfect.  And we all know that NO ONE is actually perfect.  So being an authentic perfectionist is quite a feat, and I will tell you, I am doing quite well at it, perfect at it if you ask me.  (Hehehe….that was a joke.)

I knew that moment, as I heard those two little words of advice, that something was going to have to change.  And so has begun my quest for authenticity. And I guess that is why I am here. Spouting all that is me and more onto these pages.

So I am back here today in another excruciating long blog post to give you

The UPDATE.

from the journey I have been on in this season of my life.

I think subconsciously after my last personal post (here), when I shared our struggle in getting pregnant again, and all the things that I have felt and learned during the year of waiting, that I really thought I would get pregnant.  That somehow in posting it and telling the world, I would just get pregnant.  Like some how shouting it all from the “roof top” of the internet, it would be magical.

God had a different idea.

(not pregnant)

Another time of stretching, of breaking, of learning.

Here is my story.

Chapter 2:

I think so many of us feel uncomfortable talking about sadness.  I have before. So know now that I am typing this with complete awareness of how it might make you feel.

Uncomfortable.

Better than me.

Sorry for me.

Sad.

But I don’t mind.  I know one day you too might have your own journey of sadness, and you just might see things in a new light like I do now.

I have journeyed through sadness in a NEW way. I now realize that sadness can be so much more than tears or depression. It has been in the sadness, in the pain, that I know God is stretching me and growing me. And this journey of sadness has been anything but sad in a way.  I have never felt closer to God, or more peace.

I am sharing this sadness, this time that was incredibly hard for me, because I want to share the WHOLE TRUTH of this journey.

My trust in God, my complete peace in knowing that He is in control, that HIS TIME is PERFECT, doesn’t mean that I am always happy.

Is still have days where I cry.  Where I long to be pregnant.  Where I ask God why.  But it is different now, different then sadness has ever been for me.  It is not an anger or a jealousy or a bitterness.  I trust him with everything.  I have never believed before like I do now, in His will.  His perfect will.

With everything I have I believe in HIS perfect will.  In HIS perfect time.  If you are pregnant, and I am not, let me assure you, it was not a mistake.  God didn’t say, “whoops, I got the wrong girl.”  He knows.  He chose that baby for you, for your family, in HIS perfect time.  And I can rejoice with you in a way that I have never been able to before!!  To know TRULY that life, that pregnancy is a GIFT.  A BLESSING.  I used to take it for granted, now I see it for the miracle that it is.  If you are carrying child, know that you have a little miracle with you.  A little piece of heaven, of God’s blessing, of beautiful love.

I am not just offering lip service when I say that I know he will bring us a child when it is in the right time.  Not my time, or Daniel’s time, or Dayla’s time, or any other person out there…NOT YOUR time.  HIS TIME.  His perfect time.  In his perfect will.  I believe that with all my heart, with everything I have.  Like I never have before.  (Thank you Jesus)

But I still cry.  I still long for it.  I long to see my belly round again, to feel the kicks inside, and to feel the warmth of a newborns body on my bare skin.

And I long for it.

And it is not here.

And some days that makes me cry.

Does this mean I don’t have faith?  Does it mean that I don’t trust God when I cry?   I don’t think so.

And that is what I learned in this season of the journey.

Mourning is okay.

Sadness is okay.

We can trust God with all our hearts, and still weep.

I bet the disciples cried when Jesus died, even though he told them of a kingdom that was to be theirs.  In Luke it talks about how they fell asleep, exhausted from sorrow.

When Lazarus died, Jesus wept (john 11:35).  And Jesus is GOD.  I mean, he knew that Lazarus was going to die, and that a miracle was about to happen, but he was sad at the loss of his friend, so he wept.  And I am not better or stronger than Jesus!

And that is just how I felt.

Trusting God wholeheartedly and completely.  Knowing in my heart of hearts that His plan is perfect and truly the one I want.  But also I just needed to weep. So I have wept.  I am not stronger than Jesus.  I like to think of me and Jesus, homeboys, weeping together.

I came to the realization that God never expects us to always be “happy”.   And that it is okay to mourn. And weep.  Why am I better than Jesus?  Right? He wept.  And many in the bible mourned. They put on sackcloth, covered themselves with ashes, cried out to God.  The psalms is full of weeping.  But sadness mixed with respect.  Knowing that God is bigger than you.  Than your sadness. God is mighty.

God knows we will experience sadness, I think he just asks us to trust Him through it.

So that is where I am now. Sometimes I cry, but mostly God has blessed me with a new hope and more peace then ever before.

I am sharing today, not because it comes easy or that is the kind of girl I am (the girl who likes to tell all about herself, who is an open book).  I am more of a closet dweller.

This is hard.

I am sharing today on a quest to be more authentic.

To be real.

I am sharing today in hopes that there will also be someone out there who just needs to hear, “it is okay to cry”.

Tears do not mean lack of faith, hope, or trust. Trust God with all your heart. And cry if you need to.

I am sharing today in hopes to glorify God.  A God who holds me when no one else does.  A God who let’s me cry and knows that my heart is still truly at peace.  A God bigger and more mighty and more powerful than any of could ever imagine.

Thank you God.